Jaimas's Rants - Where Laughter Goes to Die
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Below are the 5 most recent journal entries recorded in the "jaimas" journal:[<< Previous 5 entries]
08:41 am
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I Have H1N1. And it SUCKS. So, I contracted H1N1, or, as Stuffman calls it, DEADLY PIG SICKNESS. Whilst basically influenza by any other name, it differs slightly in that I had basically no resistance to this when I contracted it, and as such, it kicked my ass on the opening salvo. In an attempt to coordinate and write down what symptoms I've had thus far, the onset, and what have you, I have started this LJ Entry.
November 12th, 2009: This was the first day that the symptoms really became obvious. I had noted that I had a noted difficulty staying warm that morning, and I originally wrote it off as it being a really, really cold November morning. The worst of it seemed to pass when I was indoors, so I had initially assumed that it was, in fact, simply a chill from the fact that it was rate cold out.
By the afternoon run, I knew this to not be the case. I bundled up with a blanket on the bus, and was fortunate in that both kids we had to pick up that require my presence were absent, leaving me to sleep (or at least try) the entire run. This was the point I knew something was wrong; I could not stop shivering irregardless of how heavily I bundled up. I immediately assumed I was feverish (this proved correct) and elected to sleep when I got home.
Sadly, this was only the precursor to how badly this would hit me. That evening, I was afflicted not only with a sore throat, nasty headache, and bouts of nausea, but I was finding it genuinely hard to move the slightest distance. The muscles in my legs felt strained, and I couldn't, for the life of me, get warm. I managed to down a fair bit of food fortunately, knowing that nutrition would go a long way towards getting me better. I wound up passing out at random, finding it genuinely hard to move, much less stay awake.
November 13th, 2009: Today, the symptoms went from "mildly annoying" to "OK that's pretty serious." I had difficulty breathing due to mucus build-up and pre-pneumonia. Fortunately, a hefty dose of Mucinex and a hot steamy bath proved more than capable of clearing my air passages. It's a good thing, too; I've had similar conditions in the past a few times, but this is the first time I've seen one progress to this phase so quickly. I am still finding it difficult to move; it took me nearly 3 hours to get up out of bed and go downstairs to get something to eat. I don't think I've ever gotten so little sleep whilst being this low on energy. An abundance of Mountain Dew: Voltage has proved extremely useful, thinning the mucus and giving my energy levels a minor kick in the pants.
I continued to have gastrointestinal problems, but for the most part, this was secondary compared to the headache, chills/fever, sore throat, and constant mucus-coughing. Dave suddenly brought me Theraflu Warming Relief, Apple Juice, Halls Breezers, and a host of other things to keep my symptoms down and allow me to get some actual sleep; if it weren't for his help, I doubt I'd have made it through the night with my sanity intact. The Theraflu took the edge off my headache and sore throat and temporarily broke the fever, so I could finally lie down and not feel like I just got run over. It was the first time since this began that I slept through the night.
November 14th, 2009: Still sick, and still coughing up mucus. Nasty shit. Fortunately, I'm feeling a shitload better than I was. Still have the same symptoms (and roughly as bad), but my energy is up and I can actually move around now. I got some solid food (that wasn't like, applesauce) into me, and am about due for another Mucinex/Steam treatment. I'm fortunate I found that combination; this could have progressed into pneumonia with horrifying speed had I not.
Dear god, these mucus blobs are horrid. You know when you're coughing up the ones that were really, really deep down there when you start coughing up ones with the texture and consistency of glue. That aside, headache is gone and I'm pretty much back up to full operational capacity, save for the fact that my voice isn't working and I'm coughing up substances best not described. Fever broke again, this time, it seems, for good; needless to say I woke up covered in sweat, but at least I can move around comfortably now.
More as it develops.
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09:35 pm
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Airsoft Gun Review Summary
I'll be updating this as more weapons are added to the ol' stockpile.
GUN NAME GOES HERE: CLASS: What It Is. MANUFACTURER: The manufacturer. ACTION: How it operates. FEET PER SECOND: How fast, in feet-per-second, its rounds shoot. RATE OF FIRE: How quickly it shoots. RANGE: Maximum effective range. ACCURACY: Accuracy based upon grouping size. FAVORED AMMO TYPE: What ammo it works best with. MAG: Magazine size and type. WEIGHT: Weapon weight.
A brief synopsis follows.
( Reviews Go Here! )
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07:26 pm
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GAME REVIEWS: ARMORED CORE: FOR ANSWER
 From Software's first real success, and also, ironically, its last hurrah.
Since the days I got a PSX, I've been a fan of Armored Core. Taking place in a post-apocalyptic future of the most dire sort, the original AC was Giant Robots done right, backed with tons of action, nigh-unlimited customization, and one of the best multiplayer experiences you could enjoy in that era. The original AC was, in many ways, indicative of the talent available at the time; the PSX era saw some real risks taken - risks you'd never see a company take today, in terms of mechanics and genre (at the time, the giant robot Genre had been dominated by poor Gundam games and Mechwarrior games by Microprose; the release of AC was considered, to put it simply, very risky), but the system was nothing shy of revolutionary, and in general, it was a fawking great game.
The first AC was a critical success - it came out of a company nobody had ever heard of, it did phenomenally well, and it immediately satiated cries for dedicated sequels. Taking a nod from the likes of SSI's Eye of the Beholder, it released Project Phantasma, and later, Master of Arena, games that were, functionally, expansions to the original AC. These two games more than tripled the number of parts AC started with, further exemplifying customization and allowing players even more weapons and gear to mess around with. It kicked ass.
It wasn't all good; the plot for most of the games had deeper meanings that demanded exploration and philosophical discussion on the part of the player (which frankly, many players didn't give heads nor tails of a damn about), and while many of these were fascinating, such as Stinger's descent into Madness in Phantasma or the horrifying revelation of the real objective of Hustler One in Arena, mostly it was backdrop for insanely cool mech combat. Plot was a dedicated weak-point of the AC games as a series, really; the first game was an excellent tale of corporations at war, set upon one another by another entity for a greater cause, but both expansion-games that followed it continued to make the original plot-point somewhat obscure, giving you very little information about the parties involved and intentionally being vague. Occasionally, things would get so fuggled up that From elected to do either massive advancements or wholesale continuity reboots in later games.
AC2 was an advancement, taking place decades after Master of Arena, on Mars. It was actually a phenomenal game, adding much to the game without detracting from the game writ large. Unfortunately, AC2 was rather badly-balanced internally, to the point of being a competitive failure (look up a design FAQ some time, and you will find that every design listed has one of the same three parts, if not all of them). Another Age tried to break new ground, but failed - miserably. One big advantage of AC2 was that its plot was simple and easily-understood; a corporation war like AC1's that eventually forces the Terran Government to send a special task force to put everyone in line. This task force goes rogue and attempts a massive coup, and you (along with most of the rest of the mercs on-staff) are called in to put down the insurrection.
 An unsung classic.
Inevitably, From did another continuity reboot, this time with AC3, which returned mankind to the state it was in - underground, with some token above-ground fighting in some areas. AC3 had a few unique additions to the series; it was the first AC game to add a full arsenal of left-arm weapon options, allowing ACs to effectively dual-wield weapons for the very first time. Controls were tightened, and the insufferably-broken OVERWEIGHT allowing system was removed for good (good riddance). AC3 was incredibly successful and is considered by many to be amongst the best AC games released. The plot was a bit sketchy but understandable, with a governing AI managing humanity's activities actually turning out to have been faulty and the surface having been safe to return tom decades ago.
Silent Line was AC3's expansion, and is considered by many to be among the best AC games ever created. The game had more customization than any previous AC game, dozens of new things to find, and no shortage of options for players. A new AI ARENA system allowed you to make computer-controlled allies and use them in combat to fight alongside you! The plot was a direct continuation of AC3's, but was more sketchy, distinctly ringing of earlier AC games wherein players discovered that there was a certain entity preventing any singular force - a corporation or whatever - from getting too powerful.
 If you can find this game, give it a shot. You won't be disappointed.
Nexus was - and still is, for many, the definitive AC game of the previous generation. It included countless missions from the original AC, Master of Arena, and Project Phantasma, all redone to 128-bit standards, with dozens of new options (many of which were originally only available via Gameshark or as Generation-1 Armored Core tournament prizes in the first games). Balance was spectacular, gameplay was excellent, and the Plot was actually surprisingly good - what starts as a conventional Corporate superiority match turns into something more sinister as unmanned weapons of mass destruction begin appearing, plunging the world into chaos and leaving the game on an impressive cliffhanger. The simpler design of the plot, the better characterization, and the inclusion of the additional mission disc, fundamentally adding triple the game's original content, and made it a real gem among the series.
I won't mention Nine Breaker because it was to Armored Core: Nexus what MGS: The VR Missions was to Metal Gear Solid - a placeholder. Something to tide the fans over until the next game. It brought virtually nothing new to the table, and what it brought to the table was wholly unspectacular.
 Cheapest. Boss. Ever. I actually one time tried using an Action Replay to beat this boss, and still lost with unlimited AP (health). It was only via the recommendations of my friend Dave and numerous adjustments to controls and setup that I actually managed to beat her - first with AR, then without.
Last Raven was the final PS2 entry into Armored Core, and was indeed one of the last games made for the PS2 period. It was also one of the last games Agetec ever worked on, making it, in many ways, the series' last hurrah for a time. Last Raven was a very good game, with lots of options and in spite of its complexity, provided more answers into the AC Universe than any other game period. Unfortunately, it was hard enough to be considered murderous at kindest and one boss of it (there are 6 possible endings; the hardest one to get involves this boss) is so legendarily hard (Zinaida) that she is considered, by most, to be the single cheapest boss in the history of video gaming.
 For reasons unclear, the PS3 cover to AC4 is infinitely cooler than the 360 release.
After Last Raven, Sega bought out Agetec and was responsible for bringing AC into the next generation. So they did with Armored Core 4. AC4 was unique for several reasons; Sega actually knew what it was doing with the music (most AC games had decent but hardly great music). I was worried about Sega gaining creative control of the franchise, but to my delight, Sega did well; the plot was kind of meh, but the game mechanics were brilliant and Sega advanced how AC4 worked brilliantly; all ACs now could perform manuvers and stunts previous-generation ACs could only dream of, and the new Primal Armor (read: Shield) system gave the ACs a unique feel. NEXTs (ACs designed for psychically-attuned individuals) are infinitely stronger than any AC that has come before, and in general, you'll be making use of some incredible abilities in AC4. AC4 also starts you off with one of numerous different AC designs, gives you tons of different weaponry, and Is one of the more fun AC games to toy with due to sheer awesome. It wasn't all good; AC4's internal balance was pretty bad even after patching, and ACs in general felt insanely fragile - but AC4 was a great game in general.
Which finally brings us, after a fecking long time, to Armored Core: For Answer (which I will refer to as AC:4A).
 Ubisoft made this game alongside Sega. This is, ironically, a good thing.
AC:4A is a pseudo-expansion to AC4; you cannot transfer money, parts, etc, but you can transfer schematics from AC4. This is done intentionally, as AC:4A in general is dramatically different from even AC4 (for the better). AC Manuverability has been tuned phenomenally, the controls are infinitely better, the plot actually makes a great deal of sense and is quite enjoyable, there's more parts than ever before, and in general, it's definitely an AC for the new generation. A stunning technical achievement and a blast to play, AC:4A breaks new ground in much the same way AC4 did. Like AC4, gone are the days in which you are started with squadoo; you choose one of 4 starting ACs, each of which is extremely well-armed and equipped. One of them is a heavy-armored machine with powerful cannons; another is a balanced fighter with an array of varying-ranged weaponry, one focuses on energy guns, and the last one is a high-speed, close-combat killing machine. Choosing which machine you get determines only 2 things: What AC you start with, and what parts are initially in the shop.
Plot-wise, AC:4A is a direct sequel to AC4. The colony of Anatolia, one of the few non-corporate-controlled territories on earth in the AC4 universe, is long since destroyed, taken and divided up by the squabbling remaining corporations in the aftermath of the Lynx War. With much of the earth left a poisonous hellhole by years of industrial pollution and Kojima contamination (From use of Kojima-class particle acceleration technology), The remaining corporations have formed a loose alliance called the League of Ruling Corporations, functionally a giant megacorp UN, to maintain control of things. Fully half of humanity now lives in the skies, aboard massive flying living spaces called Cradles, sheltered from the toxic world below, while the Lynxes (AC pilots) who fought in the war and the various corporate militaries were left below on the ground. Corporate skirmishing remains common, which means for a merc like you, there's never a shortage of work. Moreover, several anti-League groups. Including Line Ark (a group dedicated to opposing the League, largely comprised of Lynx Survivors and holdouts) and Liliana (a terrorist group opposing the Cradle Plan) are further opposing the cradles, giving more options for you to get a paycheck. The corporations rely on NEXTs rarely nowadays; most of their firepower comes from massive arms platforms known as Arms Forts, which carry enough firepower to total even a NEXT in short order, and sufficient manpower and firepower to destroy entire cities.
Things start to get interesting as the plot advances; a group known as ORCA emerges from the wreckage of Line Ark after the Corporations throw everything at destroying it. This group, led by a legendary Lynx known as Maximilian Thermidor, gives a single proclamation to the League:
"League Dogs... Welcome to Earth."
A massive attack occurs on a series of Arteria facilities - facilities which provide power to the Cradles. For the first time, the Cradles are under direct threat from a force that cannot be stopped with overwhelming force and Arms Forts, leaving the League with no option but to hire Lynxes to counter ORCA's operations. The remaining Lynxes on the surface quickly factionalize, forming under the banners of ORCA or the League, respectively. Thermidor later reveals (if you go for the ORCA path) the reason behind the attacks; the Cradle System's Arteria facilities, which provide the Cradles with power and supplies, are dramatically increasing the toxicity of the earth's environment. At the current rate, the upper atmosphere will become further toxified by Kojima contamination, and Cradles will, in all likelihood, be overwhelmed entirely within 2 generations.
 A pilot goes up against the strongest Arms Fort fielded by the League, Answerer.
ORCA's plan is ambitious; Mankind lost its ability to go to space when the corporations constructed massive satellite weapons called Assault Cells to prevent their enemies from accessing and exploiting space. By offlining the Arteria facilities, ORCA hopes to use the freed power to bring a series of anti-satellite batteries online, destroy the Assault Cells, and clear mankind's way to the stars. However, in doing so, they will condemn the occupants of the cradles to death on a plan whose success is far from guaranteed. In addition to the choice of becoming a member of ORCA or working for the League, a rather obscure third option exists; one path involves you forcing a conclusion the sadistic way - going to one of the cradles itself and sending it crashing into the ground like a fourth of July firecracker, killing over 100 million people, with the ending for this route having you kill close to a billion more. Ergo, the title "For Answer" references your own answer to how you will partake in the conflict.
The directness of the plot is quite refreshing (even if the paths required for them are kind of hard to uncover), especially given the changes to the game engine. Manuvering is far more important than even AC4, and your ACs are capable, with a little modding, of long-ranged flight, superlative agile manuvers, and more. The missions are varied and incredible, ranging from battles against MTs (Muscle Tracers; think of them as exceedingly simple, basic-model heavy machines designed as specific-role AC units) and Normals (Old-model ACs are, humorously, common enemies now) to battles against the massive Arms Forts, which I can only describe as impossibly epic. A variety of new weapons and features, such as Assault Armor (An attack that detonates your shields (Primal Armor) to create a Metroid Power Bomb-like explosion), to Vanguard Overed Boosts (An AC-Mounted Jetpack to allow ACs to move at extremely high velocities when one needs to approach critical, dangerous targets that could normally stomp a NEXT like a beer can. The ACs still feel a bit fragile (compared to earlier games), but overall things are much improved from AC4 (where 3-6 hi-laser cannon shots meant a death).
 White Glint, driven by Fiona Jargenfeldt, lover of AC4's protagonist, goes up against GA Arms Fort "Spirit of Motherwill." Yes, it is as big as it looks.
The tuning system has been dramatically improved, allowing one to further customize their machine by adjusting its stats. As you earn memory points, you can boost your AC's targetting speed, manuverability, accuracy, acceleration, load capacity... The list goes on. With so much to toy with and enjoy, there's no shortage of things to try and it's a give-in you'll find a setup that works for you, whether you like tearing your opposition apart in close-combat or pounding foes into submission from afar, and whether you favor solid-slug weapons or energy weapons.
For those who have always been proponents of AC-vs-AC Combat, fear not; the Arena is back, and better than ever. There are two seperate Arenas (depending on whether or not you join ORCA), and the enemies range from hilariously fail (Killdozer) to capable of driving an unprepared player into a psychotic killing rage (My Bliss).
Interactivity has been boosted considerably; almost every terrain piece you see is destructable, and extensive modding of the environment system allows players to leave skids on the ground as they slide around, create small craters from explosions, and cause gigantic clouds of dust to kick up into the air. Most of these are superficial, but the incredible ability to level a cluster of buildings or destroy an entire highway loop in a salvo of explosive death never ceases to amaze, especially with how smooth the environments look.
The controls are excellent as well, with my only real beef being the "switch between manual and auto aiming control" being way to easy to hit on my favored control scheme. Because controls are 100% customizable however, this didn't pose a problem because I fixed it. I find it a damning indictment of humanity as a whole that more games don't allow 100% customizable controls this day and age, and it's rather refreshing to see that a few games can get that right.
It isn't all good; some of the VAing is middling, there's at least 1 blindingly mediocre music track, and some missions and Arena fights are absurdly, pants-explodingly hard. But by and large, if you're a fan of the mecha genre and like your games full of awesome combat, incredible high-speed action, and mechs spraying out several times their own vehicular mass in missile salvos, then Armored Core: For Answer sill not disappoint you. It rocks on multiplayer too, with extensive provision for team battles. NOTHING beats the thrill of hunting down enemies with a pal in this game, except maybe taking on a few other teams of friends in a vicious swirling online melee match.
Highly recommended.
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06:47 am
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The Official Rulebook of TF:J
We've been playing a lot of Airsoft skirmishing (capture the flag games mostly), so I figured I'd put the rulebook online. Enjoy! AIRSOFT SKIRMISHING AND YOU: A COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE
By Jaimas Special thanks, additions, etc by Lord_Psychodin
So, Airsoft then. With the summer months all up on us and most of us armed to the teeth, it's time to do what we do best: Arm up with heavy weapons, run into the woods, and blast the crap out of one another in epic battles. These fights will take every ounce of bravado you've got (and then some), and when you put a game together successfully, you'll be talking about it with your respective homies for months. Below you will find the rules for the most common games, basic gameplay rules for each Skirmish type, and so on.
Basic Rules: The following are the basics:
Bases: There's 2 bases for most game modes. Bases are well-fortified, well-stocked defensive positions in which teams may keep their flags. These bases should, ideally, usually be pretty evenly matched in terms of effectiveness. and equidistant from both one another and the Jail.
Choosing Teams: Most game modes in Airsoft Skirmish rely on teams. To pick teams, use whatever method you want - drawing lots, coinflips, whatever. In our case, we distribute an even number of Magic Cards - half of them mountains, half of them islands - to determine teams (red and blue, respectively).
Initiative: There are 2 bases, and 2 teams. Each team nominates a represntative (or several) to roll dice, flip coins, play rock-paper-scissors, or whatever to decide who gets Initiative. The team that gets Initiative gets to choose which base they use in the first round!
Flag Placement: Each team has a flag - this is mission-critical! Your team can win a game if you capture your enemy's flag and bring it back to your base - but beware, because your own flag is likewise a priority for your enemy. Your team's flag must start in your team's base perimeter, and must be in an accessible, by-and-large non-hidden spot. Smart team commanders leave a sentry to guard their flag whilst the others attack.
5 Lives to Live: Each player starts with 5 life points. These points are lost when the player is shot/attacked (see "Damage Breakdown," below). When a player is out of life, they're out of the game for the round (this is not always a permanent case; see "Jail" ). Survival is paramount, so be sure to take cover if you want to survive.
Mercy/StealthKill: If you can creep up on an opponent (they CANNOT be aware of you) and tap them with your weapon (or a bayonet) on the back, you can insantly take one out regardless of life-points remaining! Note that the player must not be aware of your presence; this is a trick for real sneaks!
Jail: For the most part, anyone who has been taken down (all life points gone) must walk to the Jail area (Usually situated somewhat away from the play area) immediately. Hostilities against those against those in Jail (or by those in Jail) are forbidden; you are, however, allowed to reload your ammo in Jail, change guns, etc. Some game modes allow characters in Jail to return to play (see "Jailbreaking," below).
Jailbreaking: A risky move. In modes that allow it, a special yellow flag will be put in the Jail area. Should a team capture this flag (in much the same way one would capture the other team's flag) and return it to their team's base, all team members of theirs are released from Jail immediately! Note that the freed captives cannot attack from the Jail, but they don't need to leave the Jail immediately and are not damaged if shot while still in the Jail - an intentional decision to prevent players from being camped by a team with superior firepower and/or numbers, but also a pity-move for players with weapons that need routine reloading (such as shotguns or low-capacity SMGs/Rifles). Jailbreaking can only be done once per game, and only by the team that captures the flag - so make it count..! You cannot capture a Jail Flag until at least one member of your team is in Jail. This is to prevent the Jail Flag from being captured and wasted at the beginning of the game.
Setup Time: Before the game starts proper, a team can take some time and set up their base to their liking - moving cover pieces, terrain bits, and so on, as needed. This is also the phase at which traps, alarms, and so on are set up by both teams. The game will not begin until both teams agree to (usually after 5 minutes of set-up).
Flag Movement: Both teams can attempt to sieze the enemy flag and return it to their base for an instant win for their team! Because of this, Flags are a game centerpiece. Each team has one, and it will invariably start in that team's base. Teams can move their flags, but only within the base perimeter under normal circumstances. Stealing a Flag from a player (without gunning them down first) is not allowed.
Flag Planting: If a player carrying a flag (be it a Team Flag or Jail Flag) is downed, the flag is planted at the spot they fell. A player may also voluntarily plant a flag they are carrying at any time for any reason. Regardless of how it's planted, it can be picked up by either team thereafter!
Flag Retrieval: A team can capture their own Team's flag only if it's planted (usually following an enemy takedown). They should, ideally, bring it to a defensible location (I.E., their base). A Jail Flag that has been planted can be picked up and moved as normal.
Flag Capturing: You may ONLY capture a Flag - be it the enemy team's, or a Jail Flag - when your own flag is in your base perimeter and planted. Capturing the enemy flag wins you the round, whilst capturing a Jail Flag frees your teammates from Jail.
Victory: A round is won when all members of one team are downed, or one team successfully captures the other team's flag.
Damage Breakdown: Varying projectiles and attacks can deal a varying amount of life-point damage: Most Conventional Guns: 1 Life Point/Shot Spring Pistols/Rifle: 2 Life Points/Shot Airsoft Bayonet: 3 Life Points Notes: The role of Spring guns doing more damage than Electric/Gas guns is an intentional design decision - it prevents newbs using nothing but springs from being overpenalized for not being able to use the mightiest (and most expensive) guns around, while emphasizing marksmanship for Pistol Marksmen and Snipers. The jury is still out on the Spring=2 Damage rule applying to shotguns at this time (as a shotgun could quite concievably score a one-shot kill even at medium range with this). Discussions are to follow. Also note that Airsoft Bayonets only deal damage when used to attack - no throwing them!
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07:58 pm
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GAME REVIEWS: CONTRA 4 Crossposted from DOWS.
As someone who grew up during the dawn of the NES era, and saw both the dizzying heights and lush 8-bit valleys of video gaming in that generation, I always was kinda mesmerized by the sheer volume of different genres to hit the NES in its early days. Many games of this generation held me spellbound; the original Super Mario Brothers tocked off countless hours of my early years, and games like the original Zelda all the more so.
One day, a friend of mine had gotten a new game - a game that would change everything as I knew it forever. A little game called Contra.
 God, this game was awesome.
The original Contra is a classic, and it's not hard to see why. Everyone knew the 30 Lives code (the infamous Konami Code), the soundtrack was nothing shy of AWESOME, and the game had more explosions and fast-paced action than any game the console had seen before. It was, in many ways, the dawn of the original side-scrolling shooter as a genre. I did not get to try the incredibly hard Arcade version until much later, but the original NES version was such a classic that this was very nearly an afterthought.
Our friends across the pond would know Contra better as Probotector; There it was stripped of its human elements, the protagonists replaced with robots. Somehow, despite this change, the game remained completely awesome and is considered by many to be a classic to this very day.
A lot of gamers prefer Metal Slug as a series, due to its campiness and violence, but Metal Slug never would have happened if Side-Scrolling Shoot-Em-Up's as a genre hadn't been brought about by Konami nearly 5 years previously. Whether you're playing one of the Duke Nukem side-scrolling games (and if you like those, I highly recommend Manhattan Project), Metal Slug, Midnight Resistance, or whatever, you're coasting on ground that was originally broken by the shooters that came before it.
Shooters like Contra.
 Super Contra, known better as Super C. Man, this game was hard.
As a series, Contra never really took itself hugely seriously (which enemies carrying such names as "Dirk McShooter" and "Robocorpse"), yet at the same time, it managed to keep a genuine veneer of seriousness that kept the tension amped.
In many ways, I consider this balance the underlying key to the game's success - the game's developers knew it was ridiculously over-the-top and while it tried many things over the course of a very long life-span, it realized that it did best with a slightly serious bend, running in the proud traditions of the desperate specialist(s) who fight against supreme odds to get the job done (and there is no question that the Contra protagonists are badasses, even if they die in one hit).
The series kind of sputtered around Legacy of War and had a lot of trouble "getting back to" the formula of success that it found with Contra 3: The Alien Wars, yet I give props - it still kept going and kept trying, eventually realizing that 2D was totally the way to go and that the classicgamers had it right all along. That's an admission that takes some balls to make, even if it was obvious; Contra was originally an arcade game, and had the frantic-paced action to prove it.
 Contra 3, considered by many to be the toughest game in the franchise (Hard Corps aside), as well as one of the greatest shooters to hit the NES.
When Contra 4 was announced, I kind of balked at the concept of purchasing it. The most recent games hadn't been so great, and part of me felt about it much the same way that most do about the Megaman X series; that the game was past its prime and that the franchise should have been allowed to make like an old soldier and fade away. On the other hand, it was Contra. Disrespecting it made me feel like dissing a World War II veteran (which is to say, like crap).
Then, out of nowhere, my friend Cham, a self-appointed retrogamer of the most militant sort, got the game and was frothing at the mouth speaking of its pure awesome. It was so good, to hear him tell it, that he had to share it with others - he ordered a multitude of copies and sent them to his friends. I recieved one. So, curious as to what could make this grown man resort to awesome facing in public, I slotted the card into my DS and sallied forth.
 The game was, indeed, released on Contra's 20th Anniversary. Happy birthday, Side-Scrolling Shooter Genre!
What I saw stunned me.
Story-wise, Contra 4 is a direct continuation of Contra, Super Contra, and Contra 3. For those unaware, in the first Contra, an entity known as Red Falcon was amassing an invasion force on Galuga Island, of the coast of New Zealand. Taking the threat seriously, a pair of Commandos, Bill Rizer and Lance Bean (Mad Dog and Scorpion on the NES Version, and a pair of Probotector Robots in the PAL releases) were sent in to lay the place to waste. Long story short, they found that the Island was actually stage one of an alien invasion, and laid the place to waste.
Years past, and Red Falcon, long thought vanquished, re-emerged, using powerful mind-control technology to take advantage of a large chunk of the GX Army. Once again, 2 commandos were sent in (Scorpion and Mad Dog this time Canonically, or, again, 2 Probotector Robots for our pals 'cross the pond), and in a series of explosions and Spread Guns gone berserk, Red Falcon was blown to crap a second time, this time for good.
Yet more years past, and it turned out that Red Falcon was one of a vanguard of similar Aliens, and the carnage brought about by the wars with Falcon called forth Falcon's leader and associate, Black Viper, who was more than a little surprised to find Earth still mainly occupied by bipedal mammals. A massive invasion commenced, and once again, Bill and Lance (Or Jimbo and Sully if you've got the US Version, or, yet AGAIN, two MORE Probotectors) were sent in, this time to kill the Alien leader and cut the invasion off at its head. They were successful, and Earth (and humanity) was saved.
Unfortunately, the war was far from over. Alien resistance remained heavy in Neo City and several other outlying regions. What many did not know was that Black Viper was, in fact, still alive, and preparing for a final assault. Learning how Viper keeps reviving his troops (using biological reconstitution, like the Tyranids), Lance, Bill, Scorpion, and Mad Dog are sent in - all together this time - to lay Viper's final Harvesting Facility to waste and end the Alien Wars on Earth once and for all.
Like I said, basic as plots come. You have to dig that they brought all 4 protagonists together for one last hurrah, too. For those of you saddened at the loss of the Probotector, dry those tears - there are a multitude of unlockable characters, from a Probotector to Lucia (from Shattered Soldier), Sheena (from Hard Corps), and Jimbo and Sully (from Contra 3's US launch, where they existed to explain the time difference between games). They're available once unlocked, giving you something to shoot for (teehee).
Anyway. Onto gameplay.
 Contra 4's unique "Double Screen" setup in action.
Contra 4 is a brilliant side-scrolling shooter of the most hard-core sort. It knows its origins, its purpose, its advantages and shortcomings, and it displays each with the finesse we've come to expect when Konami actually gives a damn. Needless to say, it's in glorious 2D, with excellent graphics, nods to its classic origins, and adds just enough new content to be interesting, whilst at the same time, making legitimately GOOD use of the DS's hardware whilst not forcing it up your bung (I am looking at YOU, Metroid Prime: Hunters).
In general, it plays like the side-scrolling Contras before it - run through levels, blasting the hell out of everything that moves, collecting powerups, and killing more things until you fight your way to an appropriately scary boss and you put it down with enough ammunition to sink a battleship. Good times, and the game knows how to play to its strengths. The bosses range from classics (the Infamous "Wall" at the end of the first level, and Robocorpse later), to several newcomers, and all of them are handled extremely innovatively. If you think you know what you're up against just because you've seen some of these bosses before, you thought like an idiot, because they all pack tons of new surprises guaranteed to catch you napping. You should expect no less; the game is genuinely difficult, like every Contra game ever.
But I digress. The game throws more than a few new toys your way to play with. Most of the Contra favorite guns (Spread, Crush, Fireball, etc) are back with a vengeance, and all are just as effective as you may remember. As is the case of Contra 3, you can carry up to two guns (only the one currently in use is taken away if you die), allowing you to keep a powerful weapon in reserve for when you really really need it! New to the series is that the guns are upgradable - if you are carrying a gun and get a second pickup of that type, the gun is leveled-up and becomes considerably more effective. The Machinegun fires double the ammo, the Spread shoots five bullets instead of three, the Fireball explodes a-la Super Contra, and so on. These weapons can really even the tides against a boss, and correct use can make or break you if you know how to fight. It amazes me how, two decades hence, blasting the crap out of an entire platoon with the Spread never really got old for me.
Controls are the way god intended, with the control pad and buttons. No screen touching, just reflexes, adrenaline, and the control pad. Now lock and load.
 When I said it used the DS hardware well, I meant it. Look at this beautiful throwback to the original Contra's Base!
The game uses BOTH DS Screens, and effectively uses them in tandem to make one big screen. While a bit jarring at first, this is actually fairly brilliant and allows for some really impressive-looking battlefields and environments, as you run above a cityscape or fight through the streets, dodge fish jumping from underwater as you race along the surface on a jet-ski, or literally fight on a boss so huge it takes up both screens. Also new to the game is a grappling hook, which allows you to snag rails and climbable surfaces so you can haul yourself up long distances (and a mechanic that makes very good use of the dual screen setup's high vertical setting.
 This seriously happened to a kid on the bus that I let play Contra 4.
As I said, it isn't all brilliant; the game is shamelessly difficult and a few of the gunfire effects are weak-sounding (though the music is flawless and the voice effects are spot-on).
In defense of the hard difficulty though, the game encourages you to try harder and do better, however, both in pushing you towards harder difficulties and into the new Challenge Mode, in which you attempt to negotiate various tricky scenario battles, from Bad Guy Blitz (get through a level with harder enemies about) to Accuracy (beat a level with a certain accuracy %), to Friendly Fire (go through a level or segment, but do not kill a civilian in the level). The challenges are all quite possible, and beating them unlocks everything from the Sound Test, to Contra 3 and 4 Promotional Comics, to characters, to more (including pack-ins of the original NES Contra and Super Contra!).
The game encourages you to become a master at Contra, albeit indirectly; in time, you'll find yourself capable of staggering gaming feats like my no-hit Contra Force run (all right, maybe not that insane, but you get the gist). Putting it differently: it's hard - but it comes with feelings of accomplishment that are so goddamned rare these days.
Overall, Contra 4 is a fantastic game, one which celebrates the series and what made it great, while at the same time, expanding gently on it. If you're a fan of shooters, a newcomer to the genre, or a grizzled veteran of times when NES games gave you three lives, one-hit kills, and no continues and that was how you likes it, then Contra 4 will not disappoint. You'll be hard-pressed to find a more balls-to-the-wall Side-scrolling shooter.
The game is awesome, and if you try to argue otherwise, I will cut you.
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